Her Letter
by omelette du fromage
Summary: Hermione Granger writes a letter to her boyfriend Harry Potter on the most important day of their lives. Her confession is hard to make. Can she send the letter she doesn't want to write? A Short Story


My Dearest Harry,

I can't believe I'm telling you this in a letter. I'm sure you understand, given the circumstances, but all the same I'd rather be telling you in person. Today is so scary for me, I'm not sure how to handle this. After all, I've never done this before. I'd feel better if you were with me now, but we both know that we can't be together just yet. I think I'll begin this letter with a few things you already know, maybe some you don't.

I was so nervous when I got my Hogwarts letter. I mean, here I was preparing to start at a new school, mum and dad hadn't decided where yet, and I find out that I'm a witch. I was a dentist's kid, living a safe life - I didn't know anything about the wizarding world. Of course, you know me; I just had to get as much information as I could. Dumbledore wrote our family a special brief letter about the basics, knowing that we were muggles. Things like getting into Diagon Alley, basic vocabulary, how to get onto the platform - things like that. So I made them take me to Diagon Alley and I loaded up on tons of books. I had all my school supplies by June, and had most of my school books read by August.

I could hardly eat the morning we were to load the train. Mum made me have a piece of toast but I nearly threw that back up on the way to King's Cross. I quadruple checked that every thing was just right, that I wasn't missing anything, but it still felt as though I had a millions butterflies in my stomach. I cried a bit with my parents, who were nervous about me attending as well. I didn't know anyone on the train, nor did I have any older siblings who could help me out. I sat with Neville for a bit, and he was nice enough, but dull as sin. When poor Trevor got lost, I used it as an opportunity to get away and find a new compartment.

Then I stumbled into your compartment. I can remember it as if it were just yesterday: you were sitting there with Ron, loads of candy everywhere and kind of looking out the window thoughtfully. You locked eyes with me and I swear to you that everything disappeared, the train, Ron, Neville blundering around behind me, everything except for your emerald green eyes. I fell instantly in love with you, blissfully unaware that you were THE Harry Potter that I had read about in so many books. I was in heaven, floating in pools of sparkling verdant gems, and then Ron opened his mouth.

As you turned to look at him, your hair parted to show your scar. I somehow managed not to gasp, but instead turned into the know-it-all that I'd been back home. I felt so foolish, playing the annoying bookworm girl, but it was all I knew how to do. I could tell that you and Ron were both annoyed by my presence, so I left.

My first year at Hogwarts was positively hellish for nearly all of the first semester. I didn't ever quite fit in with the girls, not being the type for silly girl chatter, and no one could stand to be around me because I was such a know-it-all nerd. You were always nice to me, at least to my face, and I was so appreciative of that. But you were so out of my league: Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world, hero of Gryffindor Quidditch, and the hottest guy to show up since Oliver Wood.

Then you saved me from the troll. I could hardly believe that you would have even cared about my well being, and yet there you were, battling a troll five times the size of Dudley all to save my stunned butt. That was when we became friends. I slowly started opening up around you, showing who I really was, not the bookish geek that everyone else saw. You and I were best friends from the start of the new relationship. Ron was much slower in accepting me, but you always stood up for me.

When you went down to save the stone that year, I was a wreck. I wanted to go with you, to be with you if you needed help, to save the savior. I knew Ron needed me more, though. You were a brilliant wizard from the start, even though you knew even less than I did, a muggle born. I visited you in the hospital wing so frequently that Madam Pomfrey wanted to have me expelled. I was incredibly thankful that you were alright.

Then second year everything was going on with the chamber. You told me in secret one day that it would be alright, that I had nothing to worry about- that you would keep me out of danger no matter what it took. Again, I did everything within my powers to help you, and I had just gotten the information about the basilisk when I was petrified. I remember coming out of it and wanting to see you immediately. I ran into the hall and there you were, beaming and running towards me. As you swept me into your arms, I knew that what I felt for you wasn't just puppy love, it was the real deal. I know it sounds crazy- after all, what is love to a twelve year old? But I know that I've been head-over-heels for you since that morning on the train.

I felt everything you felt, shared in your joys and in your pains. I was so happy for you when you found out you could live with Sirius, your godfather. I was just as devastated when you and I traveled back in time and I had to keep you from stopping what had happened. I wanted for you to be happy, but I knew we couldn't risk so much. I can't tell you how much I cried over that. I confessed my guilt to you, and you told me not to worry about it because you understood. To this day I can't think of it without a sickened pang in my stomach.

Fourth year caused me more anxiety than you could ever understand. I knew that someone was out to get you, and I lost hours of sleep. I saw you lusting after Cho, and I was insanely jealous. I knew that you could never see me like you saw her, and so I dated Krum. He saw me as a female and he was decent enough - but he was living in your shadow. He could never compare to you and he knew it. That's why we broke up; he saw that I was more concerned for you than for him, especially after Cedric died, and he couldn't take that for very long. He was the superstar of Quidditch, and you were just the boy-who-lived. He couldn't understand why I was in love with you and could sometimes hardly stand being around him. After Voldemort returned, you and I spent more and more time together. We'd have long chats at the Burrow after the others had gone to bed, and you and I got closer than ever.

You confessed to me before we returned to school that you felt like you were falling for me. I was elated, on Cloud Nine - until you told me that you could never do anything about it because Ron really liked me. I tried to tell you that it didn't matter, that I wanted to be with you just as much as you wanted to be with me, but you would have none of it. All of 5th year you evaded me, and it simply broke my heart. One of the reasons I love you is because you're so noble, but this was one time when chivalry was unwelcome. I love Ron as a friend, naturally, but if the feelings aren't there, then there's nothing to be done about it. You said you just couldn't betray your friend.

This went on until about mid-sixth year. You and I were speaking again, hanging out, and we were still as close as the beginning of 5th year, but I was certain that your feelings had faded. You began dating around, sticking with Lavender for a while, leaving Ron and I to "get together." You were certain that if I would just look closer at Ron, then I would fall for him. You said it would be ok. I told you to just forget nobility for once and listen to your heart.

That Christmas, Ron had to go home and see his family because of the war, leaving you and I alone. Christmas Day was fantastic, and as we sat watching the dying fire that night, we finally kissed. Our lips met in an explosive kiss that should have happened much sooner than it did. To feel the quivering emotion in your lips pressed so passionately against mine told me more than your words could have. I knew that they had to be mine to kiss for all eternity. I could hardly believe I was so lucky. We could no longer deny our feelings for each other, but decided to keep it secret for a while. We finally told Ron before school started 7th year. We were both so nervous, but thankfully Ron understood.

Then one night, under the starry sky of the Astronomy Tower, you confessed your love for me. It was a night that I had waited for since our first day at Hogwarts. The moment was from a fairytale: you gently held my face in your hands and looked down into my eyes, grazing your lips on mine in a kiss that was now so familiar to me. But instead of deepening the kiss, you pulled back, resting your forehead against my own and whispered that you loved me. I was such a dork - I started crying. You kissed away my tears as you told me that you loved me since our eyes met on the train. To say that I was happy would be understating it, but there are no words to express how lucky and euphoric I felt.

A few weeks before graduation, we spent the night together. I still can't believe how perfect it was; the way our bodies seemed to be made for each other, fitting together like a puzzle. We gave our virginities to each other, a feat in itself considering the hormones that were buzzing around the school. I stayed in your arms all that night as we talked about the future - our future together. We talked about getting married, starting a family, maybe even moving into Godric's Hollow. We talked about our jobs, our dreams, about everything there was to be talked about. Just as the sun was rising, we fell asleep twined together.

This is the part I can hardly believe I'm telling you in a letter. I started feeling sick a week or so later, and I knew that I must have been pregnant. Motherly intuition, I suppose. All the same, I went to Madam Pomfrey to have her run a few tests. She confirmed my suspicions- I was carrying a child. Our child. At first I was so scared. I didn't know if I was old enough, and how you would handle it. Then I was amazed that we had created life together. This was the beginning of our dream together. Still, I was a little shocked that I was already pregnant. After all, it was the first time that we had made love.

I just wish it hadn't been the last.

Not too long after that, about a week before we were to graduate, Professor Dumbledore burst in the room looking for you, and he was a wreck. He told you it was time, and I don't know that I've ever seen you look so scared. This was it - the big battle that was supposed to end the war, and you had an important part to play. I wanted to come with you, but you refused, telling me that you couldn't live if I got hurt. Well, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't bear to stay behind while you and Ron got to live out what would be our greatest adventure at Hogwarts.

I followed you, battling an occasional Death Eater who strayed towards my hiding spot, trying to play as your guardian angel. Voldemort showed up, and was instantly drawn to you. Ron tried to help but was hardly a match for Voldemort, and was forced into battle with Lucius Malfoy. Draco helped Ron - I don't know if you saw that, but Draco turned against his own father in the end. My attentions were turned back to you, though, as I saw you fall.

I ran towards you as fast as I could, scooping you into my arms and holding your weakened body. I begged you to stay with me, telling you that I loved you and that I couldn't live without you. You used all the strength left in your dying body to brush your thumb against my cheek and give me one last, bittersweet kiss as you told me that you'd always love me, and that I would have to hold on for you. With one last, painful smile you slid out of consciousness and into eternity. At that same moment, there was a deafening roar of an explosion and a bright flash of light accompanied by a loud scream. Cheers erupted all around me as I rocked your dead body in my arms, sobbing uncontrollably. I never got to tell you about our baby.

Lord Voldemort was gone and left nothing behind but ashes. Death Eaters tried to flee, but without their master, they were lost. All of those who were left alive were taken to Azkaban by Aurors with a pop. As the celebration continued around me, few people noticed that the Boy-Who- Lived had lost his title - Harry Potter was dead. Ron was the first to notice, running over and trying to comfort me through his own tears. Dumbledore saw next, and though he was greatly weakened, he came to help Ron and I. Snape and McGonagall were soon after him, as well as Hagrid, and as more and more people noticed, the scene became much more somber.

I wouldn't let them take you from my arms for the longest time. I kissed your forehead, your scar, hoping that I could bring you back to me. I couldn't raise our son without you. Yes, I found out that we're having a little baby boy. I'm going to name him Harry James Potter, after his dad. I'm sure he's going to look just like you.

Graduation was not the celebration that it normally would have been. The school, having been wracked by the last battle, was still recovering from the loss of you. I accepted your diploma for you, a copy of which I made for myself. Everyone cried - including Draco. Many of the Slytherins were missing, having either been summoned home or killed, but no one missed them.

We owled your uncle and aunt. They wrote back that it was most unfortunate, but they would prefer that Dumbledore arranged the ceremony. They included a check for a small sum of money, saying that they hoped it would cover the costs. Dumbledore tore it up and owled it back to them.

We set the funeral for the day after Graduation, so that any student or adult who wished to stay for the ceremony could. They all did. In addition, it was posted in The Daily Prophet that room and board would be given at Hogwarts to anyone who wished to attend. It's estimated that over half the wizarding world is here. I can hear them now, lots of people buzzing around the castle that would normally be empty today. They all came to celebrate the life of the boy who saved the wizarding world.

The ceremony is going to be beautiful, Harry. It won't do your life justice. I'm giving the eulogy. It's going to be so hard, but I know you'll be watching me. I hope I do alright. All the teachers are going to read something, as well, even Snape. His eyes are pretty bloodshot these days, and I know he's mourning you as well. The Weasley brothers are pallbearers, and Ron and Ginny are both set for a reading as well. Sirius and Remus are going to be part of the ceremony, but I'm not sure

After the ceremony, the burial will be private, for your closest friends and teachers. We picked a lovely spot, Harry. I remember going with you once to visit your parents gravesite. I also remember you telling me that it was probably the prettiest spot in the world: a small hill overlooking their home in Godric's Hollow, with a full tree casting shade over the spot. So we decided that should be your final resting place, next to your parents near your home.

I should be getting ready for the funeral. I just spent the last few hours crying, laughing, reminiscing while I wrote this letter, and now I've got a half hour before the service begins. I can't believe I have to say goodbye to you today. I know that you'll be with me, always, but it's not the same. I can't hold you, kiss you, feel you... you won't be around to play with little Harry, to take care of him when he's sick. I know you'll be watching him grow, and you will still love us with all of your heart, but we will both miss you terribly.

So I'll have to end this letter, and place it with you to keep forever. I'm putting your diploma in the casket with you, this letter enclosed and my pregnancy test results. I'm also including a picture of us. I just want you to know that I love you with all of my being, and no matter what happens, I will never love anyone as much as I love you. My promise to you is that I will take care of little Harry like you would want to, and I will never let him forget you. The Weasleys have told me that they will help me take care of him like we were family- Ron's promised to be the best uncle that he can. He knows that no one could be little Harry's father except for you. I can never forget you, or the love that we shared while you were alive. I will ALWAYS love you.

Until we meet again, your 'Mione


End file.
